Building Self Confidence Blog
28Sep/13Off

60 Seconds to Confidence Tip #35 Assertively Asking and Refusing

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Our reaction to a request from someone and our way of asking things of people can powerfully affect the quality of our working and personal relationships.

I often find that my clients assume that the answer to a request or suggestion will be a polite or aggressive ‘no’. That assumption often stops them from making requests of friends, colleagues, family members, partners, clients, prospects and suppliers out a fear that they’ll be rejected.



So they don’t, for example:

  • Ask for the sale
  • Put forward an innovative idea
  • Ask someone to go on a date
  • Send a connection request on social media

In doing that, they may have denied someone a welcome opportunity to say ‘yes’.

On the other side of the coin, many of my clients will also judge someone for asking something of them that they don’t want to give - mainly because they feel awkward about saying ‘no’. That awkwardness can be so strong that they grudgingly or reluctantly say ‘yes’ when they mean ‘no’ out of fear of seeming rude, unhelpful or incapable. In doing that they may not only take on a bigger burden than they really need to but also deny the requester the opportunity to seek a more willing person.

How can even the most intuitive and sensitive of us know exactly what someone’s response will be unless we ask? Second guessing can make life far more complicated than it need be.

Recently, one of my clients was asked by a prospect if he would be willing to barter his accountancy skills in exchange for her graphic design skills. She put forward her request very tentatively. She wasn’t sure if it was an appropriate suggestion. She was worried that he might be offended.

He was able to reply, ‘It’s okay for you to ask because, in my model of the world, you have a right to ask and I have a right to refuse… and vice versa.’

There may be some situations where a strong command and control structure is appropriate and so this model wouldn’t fit but, for most interactions, wouldn’t life be much simpler if we dealt with each other on those terms? 

With the emotion and fear out of the way, we can concentrate on confidently, skilfully and creatively getting to ‘yes’, such as:

  • ‘Teaching a person to fish rather than giving them a fish’
  • Making better quality business and personal cases for getting what we want
  • Finding win-win outcomes
  • Being clear about where our boundaries are

Madeleine Morgan Executive Coach and Leadership MentorWhere in your work and personal life do you need to be saying ‘no’ more assertively? Where do you need to be requesting more?

Warm wishes
Madeleine

5Jan/12Off

How to be Assertive in Relationships

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Madeleine Morgan The Confidence Coach

The Confidence Coach

As a result of being one of the Chat Room guests on BBC Radio Cambridgeshire recently, it got me thinking...

We discussed 2 topics I thought were related. One was about how we felt about lending money to friends and family – could we live by the motto, ‘Neither a borrower nor a lender be’? The other was - what was our worst experience of having someone to stay in our home?

So how are those related, I hear you ask?

Well, what I realised was that those situations tend to be dilemmas for us if we’re not sure how, confidently, to set wise boundaries with people. Or if we are uncomfortable about dealing with people’s upset, or even our own guilt, when we do set boundaries. In fact that’s at the heart of many relationships we find difficult.

A common question my clients ask is, ‘How can I tell/refuse/ask……without upsetting them?’

The answers lie on lots of different levels. But here are a few ideas:

Remember that you can’t please all of the people all of the time. People become upset for lots of reasons – many of them you couldn’t be expected to guess. Instead of avoiding a conversation for fear of upsetting someone, get skilled at communicating effectively with that kind of person/situation and dealing with any upset that comes up.

For instance, if someone is upset about something you’ve asked them for or refused to give them, avoid becoming defensive. Try to have an open discussion about the real issues rather than about the emotions and the way they were communicated.

After all, if you avoid asking someone for something or to do something for fear of upsetting them, you never give them an opportunity to say, ‘Yes!’

Remember that you have a right to ask and they have a right to refuse. At the same time they have a right to ask you and you have a right to refuse!

Wouldn’t life be easier if we could be direct and assert our right to just ask or to just refuse?

For one of my coaching clients that belief system I’ve just described about asking and refusing just didn’t fit.

She came from a culture where if a member of the family asked for financial support she would give it, few questions asked. For instance, she was supporting a nephew to go to a very expensive college in the America and a cousin who kept wasting money and then finding himself on the breadline.

At the same time she had financial difficulties of her own because her business clients were late paying for her services.

Her belief that she should help her family was so strong that she felt guilty about refusing her family even though she had made her own luck in life and she was feeling very stressed by the financial state of her business.

The situation could only get worse because she was training her family to treat her like a bank.

One perspective that helped her was to realise that she could be more helpful to her family by asking curious and open questions that helped them realise how they could help themselves more. I call it ‘teaching them to fish so that they can feed themselves for a lifetime’ rather than ‘giving them fish which might feed them for only a day’.

The ‘win’ for her family members was that they enjoyed feeling more successful and the ‘win’ for her was she felt good about helping them find out how to be resourceful. She could also feel loved for herself rather than for her money.

Where in your life could you be creating a win-win by ‘teaching someone to fish’?

When you’re having family and friends to stay, think about how you can create a win-win situation.

I like to feel relaxed when people come to stay. One way I can be relaxed is by not having to second guess everyone’s needs. So for instance, I tell them that if they feel like having a hot drink, feel free to make one – they don’t have to wait for me to ask (Of course I do ask sometimes too). Or if they wake up before me and feel hungry – feel free to go and make some toast or get some cereal. My guests feel relaxed too because they don’t have to follow my routine all the time. Of course, we also plan to eat meals together as well.

How can you make sure that visits from your family and friends are win-win ones?

Please let me know how you get on or if you have any questions.

With 2012 here, I thought I’d give you a free tool to help you get clear about where you are in your life, where you’d like to be and how to get there. Just email me and I’ll send it to you.

29Apr/11Off

Relationship Confidence – 7 Secrets to a Confident Romance

Confidence in Relationships – 7 Secrets to Confident Romance

The royal wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton has got me thinking about what makes a confident and fulfiling relationship.

Whether you’re totally indifferent to the royal wedding or a raving fan, it seems obvious that Kate and William are, in many ways, living the romantic dream. They’re wealthy, good looking, confident in each other’s love and make a great team.

It may be tempting to think that their kind of relationship is only for the privileged few. And it’s true that few people will have royal weddings but it’s also true that living the dream romance is more possible than most people think or experience in real life.

My own experiences of relationship pain, disaster and happiness gave me a passion to share with others what I’ve learned through experience and training about how how to create fun, passionate and happy relationships even when the relationship involves people with totally different personalities.

I’ve found out that many people are experiencing more pain than they need to just because there are some secrets, tools and strategies to creating a happy relationship they need to know – and are rarely taught.

Here are some of those secrets.

7 secrets to a confident and passionate relationship:

1.    Confidence in Relationship Secret One - Choose someone who shares many of your hopes, values and dreams about life and relationship – it’s hard work in a relationship if you and your partner have very different ideas about what you want out of life. You’ll get caught up in resisting each other’s attempt to try and change each other. Know what you want and find out what they want, early on.

Nowadays people have more opportunity to find out if they are compatible before they get married than ever before. Yet 50% of first marriages and 75% of second marriages end in divorce. How can that be?

My experience of coaching over 900 clients is that they either ignore the instinct they have that this person is, at best, only 80% right for them. Or, a lack of skills and knowledge, some of which are mentioned in the tips below, kills off the chemistry.

2.    Confidence in Relationship Secret Two - Be quick to praise the things you love and appreciate about them.

We’re brought up to think that people only improve and change if we criticise and point out when they make mistakes.

Yet, think about when you were a baby just taking your first wobbly steps.

Imagine if we’d been surrounded by people who had told us we were doing it all wrong, that we were underachieving and would probably never walk based on the evidence of our first struggles. I wonder how many people would still be crawling into middle age! Or be going into therapy because of a walking phobia.

I bet for most of you, the people around you praised everything about what you tried to do to walk – even when you lost your balance and sat down with a bump on your backside – for the 100th time. Maybe that’s why the majority of the people on the planet can walk!

Choose someone who is generous with their appreciation of you too. Be each other’s fan club!

3.    Confidence in Relationship Secret Three – Talk about the things that bother you about your partner and the relationship.

You might think this tip is contradictory after what I said in tip 2.

Yes, if your partner has done or said something you don’t like, talk about it!

Avoid suffering in silent resentment because it kills off love and passion in a relationship. Avoid being intimidating, critical and interrogating while at the same time avoid being a victim, placating or distant. There are secrets to having those difficult conversations - the next 2 tips will help.

4. Confidence in Relationship Secret Four - When your partner wants different things from you, or has a different opinion, be willing to talk calmly about your differences. We are usually brought up to debate and that can be fun. But if you hold your ground too fiercely or reluctantly give in, you miss opportunities to understand each other better.

There’s a middle way. Sometimes it’s more loving, and exciting, to find out more about why they think the way they do before you bring your contradictory ideas. Avoid dismissing their ideas and wants too quickly – then they’ll be more willing to listen to you too. Have a win-win conversation.

5.    Confidence in Relationship Secret Five - When difficulties come up think about your part in creating the situation.

For instance, if your partner is treating you badly, is there some way in which you’ve ‘trained’ them to do that either by ignoring their needs and wants or by trying to please them too much?

If you’re not attracting the right people into your life, what do you need to learn and change that will help you attract the romantic partner of your dreams?

The great thing about doing this is that your part is the only bit you’re in control of, the bit you can change and have power over. When you realise what you can do to change a situation, that’s very empowering.

We’re emotionally wired to go into flght/flight reactions in the face of relationships difficulties so I know this tip, while simple, is difficult to follow. My clients find that when you talk with an experienced relationship coach who can help you get the perspective, awareness and skills you need, in a supportive and objective way, it helps to speed up the journey to relationship success.

The next tip will also help.

6.    Confidence in Relationship Secret SixHeal the past. Most of us have had difficult relationship experiences - parents who have shown us very conditional love or ‘unloving’ behaviour, painful divorces and relationship breakups.  We carry hurts from past relationships, sometimes without even realising it. This is baggage from past relationships can be too great a burden for your future ones.

Many clients I work with on their relationships have been through difficult childhood experiences, divorces and relationship break ups. They find they are slow to have confidence and trust in new relationships, even when they meet a really great partner, and find themselves sabotaging the relationship, without meaning, to in all kinds of unconscious and frustrating ways – big and small.

Once they’ve come to the point where they don’t want to be a hostage to the past, I’ve helped them clear the past, their confidence in relationship has increased and it’s easier to have the fun, passionate and loving relationship you really want.

7. Confidence in Relationship Secret Seven – Make Sure You Have Healthy Self-Esteem and Confidence.

My clients discover that when their confidence increases they attract other people with healthy self-esteem and confidence – like attracts like. Confident people make better relationship choices. Confident people are less likely to feel jealous and insecure in relationships. They don’t need to be right all the time and they don’t put up with poor treatment. They hold themselves and their partner to a higher standard.

All this may not sound very sexy but actually, long-term, physical passion and chemistry last longer when you follow these 7 secrets to confident relationships.  🙂

I wish you all the love, fun and passion in your relationships that you can handle.

Warm wishes

Madeleine

PS: I like to reward people who take action to create more happiness in their lives. So, I’m offering you a free Discovery Session where we can explore where you are now in your life and relationships, where you’d like to be and how you can get there.

Contact Madeleine or phone 01223 964516 to book your session.

"Madeleine is an exceptional coach. Over the years I've received coaching from some of the biggest names in NLP, business and personal development. In my estimation she's up there with the big boys.

Very quickly she expanded my thinking way beyond the limits I had set for myself and not only gave me practical step-by-step advice that moved me forward in my career, my business, my personal relationships and my personal development. She also revealed to me the things I was doing in my head that were preventing me from enjoying the success I'd already achieved.

In a very short time, and as a direct result of Madeleine's coaching:

- My confidence soared

- I secured an interview for the job of my dreams

- I got really clear on a part-time business I wanted to build

On top of all this, the process, wisdom and expertise she brought to the coaching allowed me to make changes in myself that deepened my relationship with my girlfriend, improved my interpersonal skills with colleagues at work and most important of all, given me an ongoing realisation that this whole journey is exciting and enjoyable. Ben Green,  Manager

Madeleine Morgan The Confidence Coach

The Confidence Coach

The Coaching Room, 44 Chesterfield Road, Cambridge, CB4 1LN

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22Mar/11Off

Help with Confidence – Secrets to Dealing Confidently with Feedback

Hi

Have you ever asked for or just been given someone’s opinion – perhaps about a task you’ve done at work, some clothes you’ve bought, a dish you’ve cooked, a presentation you’ve made or an idea you have?

Was that opinion ever negative and critical?

Did you feel your confidence was undermined by it?

If so, I’ve got some great secrets for dealing confidently with feedback to share with you.

Just recently I’ve been delivering various training and group coaching sessions in confident presenting, confident leading, confident in personal relationships, confident selling and building self-confidence, in addition to my 121 work with clients. One thing I learned early on about delivering coaching and training sessions is the value of getting feedback.

In my early days of training I used to look at feedback sheets with a mixture of dread and excitement. I looked forward to the praise, especially if I felt it had gone really well.

But, part of me was worried that I had unwittlingly messed up and that someone would say something critical which would then play on my mind.

Then I began to realise that the feedback forms were designed to encourage people to give balanced, constructive and quality feedback. So, whatever the feedback was it would be useful – if it was praise then I would know I was on the right track and if it was critical then I’d know what to change to make it better next time. This gives me even more confidence for the future.

The trouble with most situations in life is that we can’t give out forms that encourage people to give balanced feedback.

So, here are some secrets I’ve learned to make sure I get quality feedback that has built my confidence with colleagues, clients, family and friends and the occasional difficult person.

Use these tips and they will help you build even more confidence in your life. In fact, you’ll never dread critical comments again! J

I’m careful about who I take notice of – I only ask for feedback from people who are ‘qualified’. These are people who are willing to give balanced, constructive and quality feedback. That way I can feel confident about asking them.

  • Feedback Confidence Secret 2

I ask those people curious questions so that it’s easier for them to give me balanced, constructive and quality feedback e.g. What do you like about….? What would make it even better? What makes you think that…?

  • Feedback Confidence Secret 3

If they haven’t waited to be asked and have just fired off some critical comments, I ask those questions in tip 2.

  • Feedback Confidence Secret 4

I give balanced, constructive and quality feedback so that I can be a good role model for people around me of how I would like to be treated.

They say feedback is the breakfast of champions. Getting quality feedback has definitely helped me go from strength to strength.

I’d love to know how you get on with these tips.

Have fun!

Warm wishes

Madeleine

P.S. You can download more valuable confidence tips at www.buildingselfconfidence.co.uk

P.P.S. If you'd like to find out more about how to fast track your journey to natural confidence, please email Madeleine at  mm@buildingselfconfidence.co.uk to book a free discovery session. We explore where you are with your confidence, where you'd like to be and what resources are available to bridge the gap.

Madeleine Morgan is a qualified Life Coach and NLP Master Practitioner based in Cambridge CB4 1LN UK

14Nov/10Off

Is Dealing with Difficult People Undermining Your Confidence?

My Ex Girlfriend Just Broke Up With Her Boyfriend

Is Dealing with Difficult People Stealing Your Time and Energy and Even Your Confidence?

Then this “Natural Influence” workshop is designed for you

Discover how to stop these people holding back your business, professional or personal life.

Take away tools and strategies that will help you:

  • make your personal relationships a joy
  • get the best out of your team and your colleagues
  • make dealing with demanding clients more relaxing
  • and make your career or business more rewarding

Among many other things you’ll discover how to:

  • § Discover how to handle people’s aggressive behaviours assertively
  • § Resolve conflict and create win-win outcomes
  • § Prepare for challenging situations and avoid escalating them further
  • § Develop rapport and motivate others quickly and easily
  • § Deliver difficult feedback confidently and skilfully – without appearing to nag or criticise
  • § Read special clues in the body language, voice tones and words people use
  • § Get the best out of people who are not like you

 100% Money Back Guarantee 

If by the end of the workshop you feel your knowledge about how to influence difficult people has not improved, I will refund your money in full. All I ask is that you return the workshop materials.

Where’s the venue?

St John’s Innovation Centre – Milton Road, Cambridge

What time and date?

9.30 a.m. – 12.30 or 1.30 p

My Ex Girlfriend Just Broke Up With Her Boyfriend

.m. – 4.30pm or 6p.m. – 9p.m. Wednesday 1st December

 So what is your investment to attend?

Early bird price of £107 + VAT (full price £147 + vat), if you book before Friday 26th November.

 You can bring an additional guest (friend, family member, colleague or team member who is not on my mailing list – perhaps that difficult person J) for £97 + VAT per person.

 Places are limited to 4 per session so hurry and book yours!

 How do I book?

Call Madeleine Morgan on 01223 426392 or email madeleine@growu.co.uk to confirm your booking or find out more.

 What my clients say:

“Thanks for making it so useful, informative and lively.” Vicky Faupel Cambridge Network

One of the most powerful lessons I learnt is how to deal with difficult people – an invaluable seminar run by Madeleine. This was thought provoking, structured and fun! Aegean Thompson, Director Event Wishes

“Madeleine is an exceptional coach and trainer. The process, wisdom and expertise she brought to the training allowed me to make changes in myself that deepened my relationship with my girlfriend, improved my interpersonal skills with colleagues at work and most important of all, given me an ongoing realisation that this whole journey is exciting and enjoyable.” Ben Green, Marketing Manager

 “I found the workshop very interesting and motivational. I’ve got more tools to create something better than compromise or win-lose situations. I can create win-win outcomes.” Justine Fairweather, Credit Controller, Whizzle It

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26Oct/100

How to Deal with Difficult People

Is Dealing with Difficult People Stealing Your Time and Energy and Even Your Wealth?

 

Then this “Dealing with Difficult People Made Easier” workshop is designed for you

 

Discover how to stop these people holding back your business, professional or personal life.

Take away tools and strategies that will help you:

  • get the best out of your team and your colleagues
  • improve client relationships,
  • make selling easier
  • make your personal life a joy
  • and your career or business more rewarding

 

Among many other things you’ll discover how to:

  • § Recognise classic types of difficult people and strategies for handling them
  • § Resolve conflict and create win-win outcomes
  • § Prepare for challenging situations and avoid escalating them further
  • § Develop rapport quickly and easily
  • § Deliver difficult feedback confidently and skilfully
  • § Read special clues in the body language, voice tones and words people use
  • § Learn assertive skills and behaviours – avoid aggressive or passive ones

 

100% Money Back Guarantee 

If by the end of the work you feel your knowledge about how to deal with difficult people has not improved, I will refund your money in full. All I ask is that you return the workshop materials.

 

Where’s the venue?

St John’s Innovation Centre – Milton Road, Cambridge

What time and date?

9 a.m. – 12.30 p.m. or 1.30 – 5.00pm on Wednesday 24th November  

So what is your investment to attend?

Because I feel strongly about sharing the tools to create win-win relationships, you can secure your seat for just £147 + VAT

Early bird price of £117 + VAT, if you book before Wednesday 15th November.

You can bring an additional team member from your business (or a guest who is not on my mailing list – perhaps that difficult person :-)) for £97 + VAT per person.

Places are limited to 4 per session so hurry and book yours!

 

How do I book?

Call Madeleine Morgan on 01223 426392 or email madeleine@growu.co.uk to confirm your booking or find out more.

 

“Thanks for making it so useful, informative and lively.” Vicky Faupel, Cambridge Network

“Madeleine is an exceptional coach and trainer.

Over the years, I have received coaching from some of the biggest names in business and personal development. In my estimation she is up there with the big boys.”

Ben Green, Marketing Manager

“I found the workshop very interesting and motivational. I’ve got more tools to create something better than compromise or win-lose situations. I can create win-win outcomes.”

Justine Fairweather, Credit Controller, UK Fixings

 

18Sep/100

Confident Career Building Coaching Programme

 

The Secrets to having Confidence at Work Revealed:

 

There are many reasons why even the most talented professionals, managers, business owners and consultants lose confidence at work, such as:

  • a difficult relationship with their boss, client or team member,
  • being in the wrong role
  • outgrowing your earlier career choices
  • lack of knowledge about what to choose and how to make a career change
  • trying to juggle career/business and home,
  • lack of self-esteem
  • unreasonable deadlines
  • lack of reward and recognition
  • economic recession
  • difficult economic climate
  • lack of the right kind of support, coaching and training

 

The list is endless…

 

Why is it Important to Feel Confident at Work?

 

Because the more confident you are at work the more likely you are to get rewarded in every way. You have more chance of:

ü  Earning a higher salary/profits

ü  Gaining a promotion

ü  Achieving impressive results

ü  Choosing the right career path for you

ü  Getting the recognition and respect you deserve

ü  Having fun while you earn

ü  Trying new and exciting things

ü  Feeling part of a great team

ü  Learning and growing

ü  Making a positive difference

 

How to Make a Confident Career Change

 

Your work takes up a huge chunk of your life. What’s more, you’ll never get that time back. So, don’t you owe it to yourself to do something you’re happy with and excited about, something that’s really rewarding?

                   

It would be a shame if you missed out when you could be one of the 20% doing a job they love and getting well paid for it too.

 

Whether you want to return to work after a career break or take stock after being made redundant or you can see it’s time for a change, I can help you save time and make it easier for you to:

 

ü  get clarity, focus and direction

ü  take the steps that find the right job/career for you

ü  discover the 4 key elements YOU need in a job you’ll enjoy

ü  play to your strengths, so you can be more successful and fulfilled

ü  decide whether to stay in a job or start a business

ü  choose the right time to move on

ü  confidently handle challenges such as restructuring, redundancy, retirement

ü  maximise your earning potential

ü  increase your promotion potential

 

The Secrets to Being Confident and Richly Rewarded at Work

I’ve made it my job to discover the secrets of the people who have confidence at work and who are richly rewarded on all levels. These are just some of the ways I can help you develop your career confidence, build your self-esteem at work and earn more:

 

ü  recession-proof your career or business

ü  feel prepared and confident for a job interview or appraisal

ü  learn the secrets that help you get the recognition you deserve

ü  grow your confidence and skills so that your problems seem small

ü  confidently handle challenges such as restructuring, getting a new boss and promotion

ü  have employers and clients ringing you instead of you having to search for a job 

 

ü  create more successful working relationships with clients and colleagues

ü  put right a situation that’s gone wrong

ü  learn to read people and situations like a book

ü  deal easily with difficult colleagues and clients

ü  develop your selling, negotiating and influencing skills

ü  cross the minefield of office politics and competitive environments safely

ü  be the manager they remember for all the right reasons

ü  manage your manager

 

ü  take the stress out of balancing home and work

ü  discover the secrets of effective time management

ü  Give up procrastination and get motivated

 

 

 

 

How to Get Your Hands on These Life Changing Strategies

If you want to read more, sign up for your free report worth £9.99: 7 Secrets to Feeling Naturally Confident and the monthly tips. 

 

‘I left my job feeling my career was going nowhere. Madeleine has helped me to take back control. First we clarified what I really wanted to do and then we worked on strategies to build confidence, unlock my creativity and develop leadership and communication skills. Now I've got a great new job and I honestly believe I wouldn't have done it half as well without my life coach.’Joan Herbert, Business Development Manager, Cambridge 

If you’re fed up with procrastinating and you’re ready to take a step in an even more life changing direction, email Madeleine at mm@buildingselfconfidence.co.uk or phone me on 01223 426392, fto book a free discovery coaching session where

During  your Free Confidential Discovery Session:

  • You’ll get crystal clear about what  you want.
  • We’ll uncover any hidden obstacles that may be sabotaging your personal and career success.
  • I’ll help you get reinspired, energised and motivated about rebuilding your career confidence.
  • And I’ll explain the resources and programmes available to help you build your confidence, career, and wealth.

Contact Madeleine now to book your free session - the sooner we talk, the sooner you’ll start enjoying the benefits.

 mm@buildingselfconfidence.co.uk or phone  01223 426392

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‘I just thought you’d like to know the RAF decided to offer me a place as a pilot. Thank you for your help with my interview technique. I don’t think I would have been able to successfully get through without the advice you gave me.’Matt Wathen

 

‘When I phoned up Madeleine, I never expected the coaching she gave me to impact on my professional life as well as my personal life. As a teacher, I’ve used the strategies she taught me with colleagues and students to create win-win situations. They’ve enabled me to diffuse and even prevent confrontation and make the learning environment an even more pleasant and successful place to be. I have learned how to successfully deal with stressful situations and I’ve become a better manager of people.’Polly Redmond, Teacher
   

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