Building Self Confidence Blog
28Sep/13Off

60 Seconds to Confidence Tip #35 Assertively Asking and Refusing

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Our reaction to a request from someone and our way of asking things of people can powerfully affect the quality of our working and personal relationships.

I often find that my clients assume that the answer to a request or suggestion will be a polite or aggressive ‘no’. That assumption often stops them from making requests of friends, colleagues, family members, partners, clients, prospects and suppliers out a fear that they’ll be rejected.



So they don’t, for example:

  • Ask for the sale
  • Put forward an innovative idea
  • Ask someone to go on a date
  • Send a connection request on social media

In doing that, they may have denied someone a welcome opportunity to say ‘yes’.

On the other side of the coin, many of my clients will also judge someone for asking something of them that they don’t want to give - mainly because they feel awkward about saying ‘no’. That awkwardness can be so strong that they grudgingly or reluctantly say ‘yes’ when they mean ‘no’ out of fear of seeming rude, unhelpful or incapable. In doing that they may not only take on a bigger burden than they really need to but also deny the requester the opportunity to seek a more willing person.

How can even the most intuitive and sensitive of us know exactly what someone’s response will be unless we ask? Second guessing can make life far more complicated than it need be.

Recently, one of my clients was asked by a prospect if he would be willing to barter his accountancy skills in exchange for her graphic design skills. She put forward her request very tentatively. She wasn’t sure if it was an appropriate suggestion. She was worried that he might be offended.

He was able to reply, ‘It’s okay for you to ask because, in my model of the world, you have a right to ask and I have a right to refuse… and vice versa.’

There may be some situations where a strong command and control structure is appropriate and so this model wouldn’t fit but, for most interactions, wouldn’t life be much simpler if we dealt with each other on those terms? 

With the emotion and fear out of the way, we can concentrate on confidently, skilfully and creatively getting to ‘yes’, such as:

  • ‘Teaching a person to fish rather than giving them a fish’
  • Making better quality business and personal cases for getting what we want
  • Finding win-win outcomes
  • Being clear about where our boundaries are

Madeleine Morgan Executive Coach and Leadership MentorWhere in your work and personal life do you need to be saying ‘no’ more assertively? Where do you need to be requesting more?

Warm wishes
Madeleine

26Sep/13Off

How to be Confidently Creative

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p>When you lack confidence it's easy to dismiss your creative ideas before they've had time to flourish.

Check out this lovely video on Youtube, by Cafe Creative, that proves that giving yourself time, and switching off your inner critic while you explore your creativity, can help you confidently and successfully produce wonderfully creative ideas.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jgvx9OfZKJw

1-2-1 Complimentary Coaching Discovery Session

If you could change one thing in your personal, career or business life, what would it be? I have 1 complimentary space for 1-2-1 'Confident Life' Discovery Session this month. During that session, we’ll discuss where you are in your business, career or personal life. We’ll uncover hidden barriers to your success. We’ll get clear on how you’d like your life to be. Then I’ll show you how you can bridge that gap. You’ll go away feeling positive, excited and certain about your next steps.

If you would like to apply for a session, just email me:madeleine@growu.co.uk

Useful Links

·       Free Confidence ecourse

·       Free success tips for professionals, managers and owner managers

·       Personal, career and business coaching and training courses for professionals, managers and business owners

21Sep/130

60 Seconds to Confidence #34 Confidently Dealing with Feedback

Success Tips for ManagersHave you ever been involved in an enjoyable and successful social or work event only to discover later that your flies were undone or you had a green sliver of spinach on your front tooth or that you had committed some other faux pas? Don’t you wish someone had discreetly mentioned it to you so that you could have done something about it? Aaaagh!

But the consequence of the lack of confidence to speak up in that situation is minor compared to the havoc that can be created in work and personal relationships when people refrain from giving constructive feedback to the person who needs to hear it. I’ve seen marriages destroyed and work teams paralysed because of it.

I remember working with an assistant manager whose attempts to motivate the team triggered the team members into feeling like they were back at school. The team members muttered about him behind his back and eventually complained to his manager. They lacked the confidence to deal with the assistant manager directly. The manager agreed to champion their cause and represent their grievances to the assistant manager.

The manager would not tell the assistant manager which team members had given him the feedback.

The assistant manager felt annoyed that only one side of the story had been explored. So his attention turned to how unfairly he had been treated rather than to the original issue.

That’s understandable – I’d certainly prefer people to bring issues to me…constructively…rather than complain about me behind my back to others. I’d want people to be open to hearing why I did what I did or thought what I thought, just to find out if there’s another perspective. Wouldn’t you?

Of course, my part of the bargain would be to receive feedback contructively too and make it easy for people to talk to me.

You can understand the team members taking the back door route, can’t you? They felt they didn’t have the positional power to be honest. They feared reprisals. But their actions fostered a culture of back-biting which could come back to bite them.

You can understand the manager, too. It’s easy to get sucked into riding to the rescue when you hear only one side of the story, especially if the story confirms your own prejudices.

But…the manager missed the fantastic opportunity to get everyone together to create a situation where:

  • everyone could explore, and take responsibility for, their part in creating the situation in the first place and feel empowered to remedy it confidently and skilfully in future
  • a win-win outcome could be mediated
  • lessons about creating effective, mature and adult work relationships could have been learned

So here are 3 tips to try:

  • Receive feedback with curiosity
  • Give feedback with curiosity
  • When someone moans about someone else, guide them to a more confident and skilled strategy for resolving those issues

Madeleine Morgan Executive Coach and Leadership MentorWhat extra confident and skilful steps could you take in your work and personal life to turn complaints into :)?

Warm wishes

Madeleine

 

1-2-1 Complimentary Coaching Discovery Session

If you could change one thing in your personal, career or business life, what would it be? I have 1 complimentary space for  a 1-2-1 'Confident Life' Discovery Session this month. During that session, we’ll discuss where you are in your business, career or personal life. We’ll uncover hidden barriers to your success. We’ll get clear on how you’d like your life to be. Then I’ll show you how you can bridge that gap. You’ll go away feeling positive, excited and certain about your next steps.

If you would like to apply for a session, just email me:madeleine@growu.co.uk

Useful Links

·       Free Confidence ecourse

·       Free success tips for professionals, managers and owner managers

·       Personal, career and business coaching and training courses for professionals, managers and business owners

 

14Sep/130

60 Seconds to Confidence Tip #33 Dealing with Rejection

Success Tips for ManagersWhen you’re putting forward an idea, a suggestion or selling something do you find people are likely to say, ‘no’ rather than ‘yes’?

“We can’t afford it…”

“Not now…”

“We’re choosing someone/something else…”

“You’re not experienced enough…”

“It won’t work…”

“We don’t do things that way round here…”

“If it ain’t broke, why fix it?”

“I don’t want to go out with you!”

Although the list of ways of saying ‘no’ could be endless, there are only 2 types of ‘No’ you need to deal with:

  • The expected
  • The unexpected

The most common ‘no’ is the expected ‘no’. It’s one you could’ve seen coming because:

  • They’ve mentioned their concerns before
  • You’ve triggered them into it by asking if there is anything they’re worried about
  • Past experience tells you what they’re likely to think

An unexpected ‘no’ is one you couldn’t expect to happen such as last-minute changes.

If you genuinely and ethically believe they would benefit from what you’re suggesting or selling, there are 3 simple steps to deal with the expected ‘no’ that you can prepare and practice beforehand. Here’s an example of what you might say:

  1. Understand - “One thing I’ve been thinking (Maybe you have too?) is that this approach is very different to what we normally do”
  2. Remove – “But I’ve come to realise that [pre-prepared response]”
  3. Check – “Does that feel/sound/look sensible to you?”

And when the reason for a ‘no’ is a surprise, you can still use the URC approach: “I can see why you would say that… my answer is… is that ok?”

Alternatively: “I know how you feel….I (or someone else) felt that way too….And what I/they found was….”

Madeleine Morgan Executive Coach and Leadership MentorHow’s that for a plan?

Warm wishes
Madeleine

 

 

1-2-1 Complimentary Coaching Discovery Session

If you could change one thing in your personal, career or business life, what would it be? I have 1 complimentary space for 1-2-1 'Confident Life' Discovery Coaching Session this month. During that session, we’ll discuss where you are in your business, career or personal life. We’ll uncover hidden barriers to your success. We’ll get clear on how you’d like your life to be. Then I’ll show you how you can bridge that gap. You’ll go away feeling positive, excited and certain about your next steps.

If you would like to apply for a session, just email me:madeleine@growu.co.uk or click o this link: http://www.buildingselfconfidence.co.uk/contact/

 

Madeleine Morgan

Confidence and Life Coach

Cambridge CB4 1LN, UK

7Sep/130

60 Seconds to Confidence Tip #32 Testing Your Communication Style

Success Tips for Managers

 

Did you know that surveys show most people think they are good at communicating…and that most other people are not?

The maths doesn’t add up, does it? So there must be many delusional communicators in the world. 🙂

How can you tell if you’re one of them…or not?

There’s a useful and challenging assumption master communicators live by: ‘The meaning of the communication is the response you get.’ In other words, it’s no good saying, ‘You didn’t listen…’ or ‘What I said was…’ when someone seems to have misunderstood you. Their response is a reflection of what you actually communicated to them. (Unless they really are trying to wind you up.)

So, one clue to whether you need to be more flexible in your communication style is the number of times a week you find yourself aghast, perhaps even pulling your hair out, because you thought you’d explained clearly to your partner, colleague or client but they misunderstood what intended to communicate. How many times is that for you?

Another clue is: do you get the outcomes you want from your family conversations, team meetings, sales meetings and presentations?

And finally the acid test… if you asked your family members, friends, colleagues, clients and suppliers about how well you communicate, what would they say?

Madeleine Morgan Executive Coach and Leadership MentorSo how are you doing as a communicator?

What do you need to change to get better results in your personal, career and business life?

Warm wishes
Madeleine

 

1-2-1 Complimentary Coaching Discovery Session

If you could change one thing in your personal, career or business life, what would it be? I have 1 complimentary space for 1-2-1 Discovery Session this month. During that session, we’ll discuss where you are in your business, career or personal life. We’ll uncover hidden barriers to your success. We’ll get clear on how you’d like your life to be. Then I’ll show you how you can bridge that gap. You’ll go away feeling positive, excited and certain about your next steps.

If you would like to apply for a session, just email me:madeleine@growu.co.ukor click on this link: http://www.buildingselfconfidence.co.uk/contact/

Madeleine Morgan

Confidence and Life Coach

Cambridge CB4 1LN, UK

 

31Aug/13Off

60 Seconds to Confidence Tip #31How Do You Decide When to Make a Change?

Success Tips for ManagersHave you ever found yourself in a situation where you’ve asked yourself a variation on, ‘How do I know when to stop, leave, quit, walk out, give up or make a change?’

Whether it’s a question you’re asking yourself about your relationships, your job, or your business, the answer isn’t always obvious, is it? How do you make a confident choice?

A client of mine asked me the question this week as he felt he was beating his head against a brick wall in relation to an issue with an ‘irritating’ colleague. Here are some of the thoughts we came up with.

Someone once said, ‘All struggle is unskilled behaviour’. That might be a gross generalisation but it’s worth asking yourself, ‘What more do I need to know, or know how to do, to help me be more successful in this situation?’

My client thought about this question and then said, ‘I need to learn how to take a step back from my frustration and see things from my colleague’s point of view. That might give me some ideas for new things to try.’

His answer brought up another point. He realised that his doubts about whether to give up on a situation often rear their ugly head when he knows he has muddied the water by acting clumsily, aggressively or immaturely. Once he thought and behaved more maturely and assertively, the brick wall came tumbling down and the decision about whether to keep trying became clear.

My client realised that, if he had given up too early, he might have deprived himself of the opportunity to become even more resourceful and the opportunities those resources might lead to.

The maths of the costs and benefits of trying versus giving up changed.

Madeleine Morgan Executive Coach and Leadership MentorWhat new learning could feed your confidence, your determination and your success this week?

Warm wishes
Madeleine

1-2-1 Complimentary Coaching Discovery Session

If you could change one thing in your personal, career or business life, what would it be? I have 1 complimentary space for 1-2-1 'Confident Life' Discovery Session this month. During that session, we’ll discuss where you are in your business, career or personal life. We’ll uncover hidden barriers to your success. We’ll get clear on how you’d like your life to be. Then I’ll show you how you can bridge that gap. You’ll go away feeling positive, excited and certain about your next steps.

If you would like to apply for a session, just email me:madeleine@growu.co.ukor click on this link: http://www.buildingselfconfidence.co.uk/contact/

Madeleine Morgan

Confidence and Life Coach

Cambridge CB4 1LN, UK

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20Aug/13Off

60 Seconds to Confidence Tip #30 Confidently Making Your Dreams Come True

Success Tips for Managers

In my experience, many dreams do come true. The main variable is when.

For the slow approach: Resist. Deny. Stop. Imagine the worst. Complain. Argue. Defend. Protest. Cry. Struggle. Do everything yourself. Insist on being right. Hang on to limiting beliefs and negative experiences.

For the quick approach: Imagine. Set goals you care about. Stay focused on your goal. Prepare. Learn. Get feedback. Build helpful relationships. Delegate. Be flexible about how. Show up, even when nothing happens. Take responsibility. Gather resources.Take action. Do something different. Set a date. And… give thanks in advance.

Madeleine Morgan Executive Coach and Leadership Mentor

What will you be and do differently to make your dreams come true, faster?

Warm wishes
Madeleine

1-2-1 Complimentary Coaching Discovery Session

If you could change one thing in your personal, career or business life, what would it be? I have 1 complimentary space for 1-2-1 ‘Confident Life’ Discovery Session this month. During that session, we’ll discuss where you are in your business, career or personal life. We’ll uncover hidden barriers to your success. We’ll get clear on how you’d like your life to be. Then I’ll show you how you can bridge that gap. You’ll go away feeling positive, excited and certain about your next steps.

If you would like to apply for a session, just email me:madeleine@growu.co.ukor click on this link: http://www.buildingselfconfidence.co.uk/contact/

Madeleine Morgan

Confidence and Life Coach

Cambridge CB4 1LN, UK

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