Building Self Confidence Blog
27May/150

How to Know When to Give Up and When to Keep Going: 60 Seconds to Confidence Tip 118

Life Coaching and Confidence CoachingTop Tips for Knowing When to Give Up and How to Persist

 Last week a very territorial chaffinch reacted aggressively to its reflection in my coaching room window. Its response was to fly straight at the glass. It hit its beak so hard I thought it would hurt itself.

 I hoped it would give up after the first few attempts at scaring off its reflection. But no…intermittently every day for the next 3 days it tried to get rid of that pesky reflection in the same way.

 I wondered, how long would it persist? When would it give up or change tactics?

 I was worried that my clients would find it a nuisance but actually they quickly saw a reflection of their situation, or how they were dealing with it, in the actions of the chaffinch.

 They made comments like:

  • “I feel like I’m banging my head against a brick wall.”
  • “I’m doing what I’ve always done and expecting a different result.”
  • “I’m not sure when to give up, when to persist or when to change tack.”

 Spookily, the chaffinch tended to disappear by the end of a session.

 When my clients noticed, they laughed…realising that, like the chaffinch, they had either:

  • gained new ideas about different actions they could take and thoughts they could think that would solve their challenges and get them what they wanted or
  • realised it was time to give up on a challenge or goal

 How did they get to that point where they knew how to overcome their challenge or how to give up on it?

 Here are 5 signs that it’s time to give up on a goal, a relationship or a challenge:

  1. The outcome depends on other people and they’re just not interested in solving the problem, making the relationship better or reaching the goal
  2. You can honestly say you’re no longer creating the problem and the rest of the solution is out of your control
  3. The cost of success is more than you’re willing to pay
  4. You’ve learned all you need to learn from trying to achieve your goal, solve the problem or improve the relationship and it’s still not working
  5. Your goal is not SMART (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant and Timed)

Here are 6 tips to help you persist with achieving a goal, improving a relationship or solving a problem, even when it’s difficult:

  1. Set SMART goals that you really care about
  2. Focus on the benefits of persisting. Do the benefits of succeeding outweigh the costs of giving up?
  3. Identify ways you might be causing the problem and eliminate those. For instance, do you lack key skills you need to succeed? Do you need to build your confidence first?
  4. Take a break from the problem to rest, recharge and re-energise – that will help you gain perspective.
  5. Try a new approach. For instance, talk to someone, like a life coach, who is skilled at helping you:
  6. identify the true (sometimes hidden) blocks to your success with a goal, relationship or challenge
  7. construct a confidential, creative and supportive space for you to get new perspectives and ideas
  8. put in place the mind-set, skills, resources and action plan you need to succeed
  9. Read inspirational stories about people who have succeeded despite difficult odds and learn from them. This will help you expand your idea of what’s possible and strengthen your determination.

 What’s your next step to becoming more successful in your personal, business and career, <First Name>?

 Discover some choices below.

 Madeleine Morgan Life, Career and Business Coaching, Cambridge UK

Warm wishes, Madeleine

 P.S. Check out the Special Offers, Quote of the Week, ‘Useful Links’ to life changing free ‘stuff’ below.

 Special Offers and Dates for Your Diary

 Free Confidential Coaching Discovery Session

 Is creating a more rewarding personal, career or business life a must for you in 2015?

If your answer is yes check out these this 121 coaching opportunity.

I have 1 Free Coaching Discovery sessions left to give away this month

During that 60 minute session, we’ll:

  • discuss where you are with your life, career or business and any challenges you face
  • uncover hidden barriers to your success.
  • get clear about the life, career or business you’d like to enjoy

 Then I’ll show you how you can bridge that gap. You’ll go away feeling positive, excited and confident about making this year your best year yet.

We can meet at my coaching room in Cambridge (CB4 1LN) or over Skype or telephone.

If you would like to apply for a session, just email me and tell me what days/times would suit you: madeleine@growu.co.uk

 Wise Quotes of the Week about Giving Up, Determination and Persistance

  • “Things don't go wrong and break your heart so you can become bitter and give up. They happen to break you down and build you up so you can be all that you were intended to be.”  Charlie Jones
  • “You cannot swim for new horizons until you have courage to lose sight of the shore.” William Faulkner
  • “Never give in. Never give in. Never, never, never, never—in nothing, great or small, large or petty—never give in, except to convictions of honour and good sense. Never yield to force. Never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy.” Winston Churchill
  • “It will never rain roses: when we want to have more roses, we must plant more roses.” George Eliot
  • “The man who thinks he can and the man who thinks he can't are both right. Which one are you?” Henry Ford
  • “We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” Joseph Campbell

Useful Links

 Link to previous week’s blog entry: Top Communication Tips:  60 Seconds to Confidence Tip 116

Free Confidence ecourse

Free ebook – The Success Ladder: How to Succeed at Any Goal

"I've just read Madeleine's 'The Success Ladder' over the weekend. What a great easy and effective guide for any aspiring leader. It's very easy to read and most importantly the actions are very powerful which I've already started to implement. Thank you Madeleine and I look forward to sharing my success with you :-)" Adrian Peck

Free report on 21 ways to add 100k to your profits

7 Secrets About Personal and Business Success You Can Learn From SCUBA Diving

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

14May/150

Top Communication Tips: 60 Seconds to Confidence Tip 116

Life Coaching and Confidence Coaching Use the Golden Rule When Communicating, Right? Wrong!

 One of the things we’re taught is that if we follow the ‘Golden Rule’ and treat others as we would like to be treated, our communication and our relationships will work.

 But when you’ve followed the Golden Rule…have you ever felt confused, frustrated or disappointed by a reaction from someone when you’ve communicated with them? Maybe you’ve experienced some of these situations:

  • a colleague or a stranger not returning your smile or warm greeting
  • your ideas falling on deaf ears when you feel your case has been strong
  • a sale falling through just when you thought you had given the sales pitch of your life
  • you’re just not ‘clicking’ with your partner or a friend, despite your best efforts to communicate
  • a team member persisting with a ‘bad’ work habit despite your efforts to reason with them
  • an argument breaking out when you least expected it
  • Or…?

The Golden Rule is a great rule to follow to avoid being seen as hypocritical, deceitful and untrustworthy….or operating double standards.

“If your actions were to boomerang back on you instantly, would you still act the same? Doing to others an act you’d rather not have done to you reveals a powerful internal conflict.” Alexandra Katehakis

However, there are pitfalls to the Golden Rule.

“The best managers (communicators) break the Golden Rule every day. They would say don't treat people as you would like to be treated. This presupposes that everyone breathes the same psychological oxygen as you.” Marcus Buckingham

 What if:

  • You’re a ‘visual’ communicator and they’re a ‘feeling’ communicator?
  • You’re a ‘detail’ and ‘fact’ person and they’re a ‘big picture’ or ‘ideas, strategy or theory’ person?
  • You’re an ‘introvert’ and they’re an ‘extrovert’?
  • You’re an ‘adventure’ person and they’re a ‘certainty/comfort zone’ person?
  • You’re a ‘blunt’ person and they’re a ‘diplomatic’ person?
  • They’re a ‘What?’ person and you’re a ‘Why?’ person?
  • Or…?

 You get the drift?

 Okay, so what’s a better rule? What’s a rule that will allow you to have more influence, manage your team better, have more fulfilling personal relationships, make more sales and create more win-win outcomes?

 How about the Platinum Rule where you treat people as THEY would like to be treated?

 In other words, try approaching them by matching and mirroring their communications style. If they’re a detail person, give them detail, for instance. This will help you gain rapport with them. Then they’ll become open to what you’re saying and trust you. At that point you can bring in more of your natural communication and thinking style where appropriate.

 What’s your next step to becoming more successful in your personal, business and career?

 Discover some choices below.

 Madeleine Morgan Life, Career and Business Coaching, Cambridge UK

Warm wishes, Madeleine

 P.S. Check out the Special Offers, Quote of the Week, ‘Useful Links’ to life changing free ‘stuff’ below.

Special Offers and Dates for Your Diary

 Free Confidential Coaching Discovery Session

 Is creating a more rewarding personal, career or business life a must for you in 2015?

If your answer is yes check out these this 121 coaching opportunity.

I have 3 Free Coaching Discovery sessions left to give away this month

During that 60 minute session, we’ll:

  • discuss where you are with your life, career or business and any challenges you face
  • uncover hidden barriers to your success.
  • get clear about the life, career or business you’d like to enjoy

 Then I’ll show you how you can bridge that gap. You’ll go away feeling positive, excited and confident about making this year your best year yet.

If you would like to apply for a session, just email me and tell me what days/times would suit you: madeleine@growu.co.uk

 Wise Quotes of the Week about the Golden Rule and Communicating

  • “If you want to know what a man's like, take a good look at how he treats his inferiors, not his equals.” J K Rowling, Harry Potter
  • “I have something that I call my Golden Rule. It goes something like this: 'Do unto others twenty-five percent better than you expect them to do unto you.' … The twenty-five percent is for error.” Linus Pauling
  • “Replacing rudeness and impatience with the Golden Rule may not change the world, but it will change your world and your relationships.” Steve Shallenberger

Useful Links

Link to previous week’s blog entry: Life Coaching and Confidence Coaching

"I've just read Madeleine's 'The Success Ladder' over the weekend. What a great easy and effective guide for any aspiring leader. It's very easy to read and most importantly the actions are very powerful which I've already started to implement. Thank you Madeleine and I look forward to sharing my success with you :-)" Adrian Peck

7May/150

Life Coaching and Confidence Coaching

Life Coaching and Confidence Coaching

How to Make Good Decisions in Tough Situations

With all this electioneering during the last few months and the huge number of people who say they are undecided about which way to vote, including me, I got to thinking about the best ways to make tough personal, career and business decisions.

Research shows that human beings are actually very poor at making good, rational decisions despite our sophisticated thinking apparatus.

Apparently, we have 2 methods for making decisions:

  • Method 1 – automatic, fast, intuitive, opinionated, stereotypical, emotional and unconscious
  • Method 2 – deliberate, slow, effortful, logical, calculating and conscious

So, if you make your choice about who to vote for based on:

  • How you’ve always voted
  • How the people whose opinion you care about vote
  • What the party leader looks and sounds like
  • Your prejudices, assumptions and generalisations
  • What just feels right
  • Who you like

You’d be using method 1.

If you take time to reflect and make a list of policies you would like to see enacted, in your ideal world, then checked with the party manifestos for the party whose policies were closest to your ideal, you’d be using method 2. If there was a tie, you’d ponder on the relative importance of each of your desired policies and then go with the party that reflected that weighting.

With every decision you take, there is a battle in your mind between the two methods of decision making; between intuition and logic. The method 1 way of making a decision is more powerful and more frequently used than you’d probably imagine. We like to think we are mainly rational beings. That’s because we make choices based on emotion and then justify them with logic.

Malcom Gladwell, in his book Blink, describes how we make decisions without thinking. He sets about answering the question: Why do some people decisively follow their instincts and succeed, while others end up tripping over their terrible decisions? His conclusion is that these intuitive and fast decisions can be very effective…but only if the criteria that inform your intuition (your values, experience, knowledge, preferences, culture, etc.) are sound and give you good decisions.

Many experiments have found that we are prone to making irrational decisions based on thinking biases. For instance:

  • One bias is the fear of loss. Ironically, stock market fortunes are frequently lost by investors who ignore the rational advice to buy cheap and sell expensive. Even professional investment managers get caught by the popularity of certain stocks, and the fear of losing out, into investing in stocks that are over-valued. Hence the cycle of boom and bust.

Taxi drivers have been found to work longer on sunny days than rainy days because they set an earnings target which is harder to hit on sunny days.

  • Another bias is to favour present pleasure rather than future consequences. While making a programme for the BBC Horizon series, the team found that if offered half a box of chocolates right now, or a whole box of chocolates tomorrow, most people will take half a box of chocolates now. Waiting an extra day from the perspective of a year’s time will seem sensible. Waiting a day now seems impossible when enticed by chocolate. According to Prof Dan Ariely, from Duke University in North Carolina, "That's the bias that causes things like overeating and smoking and texting and driving and having unprotected sex."

It’s probably the bias that causes global warming and all the other big issues of our day.

  • Confirmation bias is the tendency to look for or notice information that confirms what we already think. It's why we tend to buy a newspaper that agrees with our views and mix with people who share our opinions.
  • The negativity bias: this is where one bad experience colours our whole view of a person or event. It can take 5 times more positive experiences, at least, to wipe out the negative
  • There are many other biases, such as the hindsight bias, the halo effect and the spotlight

We haven’t got time to think rationally and consciously about all our decisions. If we did we run into the danger of analysis paralysis.

However, it becomes dangerous when we allow our fast intuitive decision making method to make decisions that our slow, logical decision making method should make.
So, in summary, here are 7 top tips for making great decisions in tough situations:

  • When faced with difficult and important decisions, take time to reflect and outline your criteria for a good decision or outcome.
  • Be aware of your biases and try to eliminate the ones that cause you to make poor decisions
  • Seek the opinions of others but also take quiet time away from the ‘noise’ of all the people who would seek to sway you with their biases
  • Remember that making no decision is still a choice that has consequences
  • There’s no failure, there’s only results and as long as you learn useful things from poor decisions, you can be successful
  • Choose the logical way to make big decisions and then test if they feel right, rather than the other way round
  • Talk to someone like a life coach or mentor who is skilled at neutrally and supportively helping your make great decisions. “Just a quick note to say thank you for our session on Monday morning. As always it proved enormously useful and helped me arrive at an important and difficult decision... in about 40 mins! That always amazes me!” Kate Durrant

What’s your next step to becoming more successful in your personal, business and career ?

Discover some choices below.

Madeleine Morgan Life, Career and Business Coaching, Cambridge UK

 

 

Warm wishes

Madeleine

P.S. Check out the Quote of the Week, ‘Useful Links’ to life changing free ‘stuff’ and ‘Special Events’ listed below.

Special Events:

Free Confidential Coaching Discovery Session

Is creating a more rewarding personal, career or business life a must for you in 2015?

If your answer is yes and you haven’t been a client before, check out these this 121 coaching opportunity.

I have 3 Free Coaching Discovery sessions left to give away this month.

During that 60 minute session, we’ll:

  • discuss where you are with your life, career or business and any challenges you face
  • uncover hidden barriers to your success.
  • get clear about the life, career or business you’d like to enjoy

Then I’ll show you how you can bridge that gap. You’ll go away feeling positive, excited and confident about making this year your best year yet.

If you would like to apply for a session, just email me and tell me what days/times would suit you: madeleine@growu.co.uk

Quotes About Decision Making

  • “You can't make decisions based on fear and the possibility of what might happen.”  Michelle Obama
  • “The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live.” Flora Whittemore
  • “On an important decision one rarely has 100% of the information needed for a good decision no matter how much one spends or how long one waits. And, if one waits too long, he has a different problem and has to start all over. This is the terrible dilemma of the hesitant decision maker.” Robert K. Greenleaf
  • "If you were able to look back at your most brilliant successes in 2015 now, what would you decide right?”
  • “If we think that we have reasons for what we believe, that is often a mistake”
  • Prof Daniel Kahneman Princeton University
  • “Whenever you see a successful business, someone once made a courageous decision.” Peter F. Drucker
  • “Don`t be afraid to take a big step when one is indicated. You can`t cross a chasm in two small steps.” David Lloyd George
  • “There’s no failure, there’s only results”

Useful Links

Link to previous week’s blog entry: Top Tips for Letting Go of Resentment: 60 Seconds to Success Tips 114

"I've just read Madeleine's 'The Success Ladder' over the weekend. What a great easy and effective guide for any aspiring leader. It's very easy to read and most importantly the actions are very powerful which I've already started to implement. Thank you Madeleine and I look forward to sharing my success with you :-)" Adrian Peck

 

 

.

1May/150

Top Tips for Letting Go of Resentment: 60 Seconds to Success Tip 114

Resentment: How to Let It Go and Lead a Happy and Successful Life

Life Coaching and Confidence CoachingHave you ever felt wronged? Maybe you’ve experienced:

  • A customer or employer trying to underpay you
  • Someone breaking a promise to you
  • Being overlooked for promotion
  • Your boss having a favourite among your colleagues
  • Your partner being unfaithful to you
  • Being the victim of a crime
  • Or…?

Some people feel that the pain of those experiences will scar them for life.

Often there is a double pain involved. Have you ever experienced the corrosive power of resentment? Holding onto resentment is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die! It can blind you to your ability to be happy and successful. It can ruin your life.

But how do you let go of resentment when everything inside you is screaming for justice or even revenge and you feel you’ve been wronged in some way?

I was listening to a remarkable interview on the BBC Radio 4 Today programme last Friday that gave me the idea for this success tip.

Eva Kor, a Jewish woman who was experimented on when she was in a Nazi concentration camp during World War II, was asked why she had hugged a Nazi in court recently.

Her answer was strong, resourceful and inspiring. She said, "I am not a poor person, I am a victorious human being, who has been able to rise above the pain, forgive the Nazis, not because they deserve it but because I deserve it.”

She was determined not to be a victim, nor did she want to continue the cycle of pain through seeking revenge."I did want to tell him that I was there to testify and also thank him for having some human decency for accepting responsibility for what he has done,"replied Eva Kor.

So what was Eva’s secret to letting go of resentment and learning to forgive? I’d love to find out more. In the meantime, here are some top tips for dealing with some of the more common resentments in our personal, career and business lives.

  • To help you free your heart and mind from resentment, remember that when you forgive someone, it’s for your own well-being. If you must take revenge take it by living a happy and successful life that you can feel proud of and fulfilled by.
  • Remember that you can forgive the person while still criticising and abhorring the behaviour. Divert your energy away from feeling hurt, anger, depression and stress and into useful action. For instance, if it’s relevant, make it clear to them what they can do to make amends. Seek to resolve issues quickly.
  • Write down your thoughts and feelings about the incident. This can often help to calm your anger and help you see things more objectively.
  • Use your curiosity to seek understanding – in some cases there may be a positive intention behind what they did that would help you understand their motives and give you an opportunity to show them how to get their needs meet in a wiser way. There is often deep insecurity and fear behind negative actions. For instance, if someone lies to you, you don’t have to put up with the lies but by understanding why they thought that was a good way to treat you, you can open up an opportunity to mentor them to get their needs met in honest ways. The peace you can find from doing this is well worth the effort.
  • Related to this is using your curiosity to discover if you have a part to play in becoming a victim.For instance, in the case of people telling you lies, do you make it hard for people to speak their truth with you? How could you make it easier for people to be more open with you?
  • Use your ingenuity to learn how to overcome adversity and succeed. Put your energy into achieving your positive goals. For, instance:

o   Learn to make wise choices about who you trust. There’s a saying, “If you wrong me once, shame on you. If you wrong me twice, shame on me.”

o   Learn conflict resolution and negotiation skills so that you can assertively find win-win outcomes – people will be less likely to feel they need to get their way in sneaky moves when they know you’re a reasonable person.

o   Learn to seek justice in healthy ways. For instance, seek a wise mediator to deal with issues at work or in personal relationships.

o   Learn what you need to know to succeed in your personal, business and career lives – sales, networking, presentation, and other communication skills for instance.

  • Practise – choose some smaller hurts to forgive first before tackling the big ones. Your confidence will build and your emotional freedom will follow.
  • If you find talking helps you, talk it through with someone who can wisely and objectively guide you to new perspectives, skills and confidence such as a life coach. This can help you lower your stressful fight or flight responses and help you get back in touch with your own wisdom. Avoid the temptation to repeat your story of hurt too frequently to all your friends, colleagues and family members to gain sympathy. It will give you temporary relief but in the long run it will only confirm you as a victim and disempower you.

What’s your next step to becoming more successful in your personal, business and career?

Discover some choices below.

Madeleine Morgan Life, Career and Business Coaching, Cambridge UK

Warm wishes, Madeleine

P.S. Check out the Special Offers, Quote of the Week, ‘Useful Links’ to life changing free ‘stuff’ below.

Special Offers and Dates for Your Diary

Free Confidential Coaching Discovery Session

Is creating a more rewarding personal, career or business life a must for you in 2015?

If your answer is yes check out these this 121 coaching opportunity.

I have 4 Free Coaching Discovery sessions left to give away this month

During that 60 minute session, we’ll:

  • discuss where you are with your life, career or business and any challenges you face
  • uncover hidden barriers to your success.
  • get clear about the life, career or business you’d like to enjoy

Then I’ll show you how you can bridge that gap. You’ll go away feeling positive, excited and confident about making this year your best year yet.

If you would like to apply for a session, just email me and tell me what days/times would suit you: madeleine@growu.co.uk

Wise Quotes of the Week about Forgiveness

"Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves." Confucious

“I forgive you so that I can be free.”

“I never met a strong person with an easy past.”

Useful Links

   
realnet - websites that perform