Building Self Confidence Blog
27Nov/140

How to Love Mistakes: Confidence Tip #93

Madeleine Morgan Confidence Coach, Career Coach and Life Coach CambridgeIf you feel paralysed by the fear of making mistakes or you are still kicking yourself for mistakes you’ve made in the past or perhaps you can’t forgive someone else for their mistakes, this week’s Confidence tips will be great for you.

Whether you’re a business owner, a manager, an employee or a lover you will always have more success when you stop diverting mental and emotional energy into fear of making mistakes or criticising yourself for making them and start taking a more positive approach to your mistakes.

Being comfortable making mistakes is one of the hardest things to do. Our society is very judgemental about it.

But what people are really judgemental about is when those mistakes come from self-serving immoral actions or mistakes that are repeated because there’s been no attempt to learn something useful from them. An example that’s probably in all our minds is the endless list of illegal activities the banks are being fined for these days. It’s understandable that people would criticise those kinds of ‘mistakes’.

But…what about mistakes that are an essential part of our learning curve?

This week I was struck by something a horse trainer said on the radio that gave me the idea for this week’s tip. He mentioned that when his stable trains their horses they make sure the horses make lots of mistakes so that when the horses are under pressure in races, they can handle it.

Let’s get back to humans. How did we all learn to walk? We had to fall on our backsides a few times to get a handle on this thing called balance. Nobody criticised us for falling down. They just encouraged us when we did fall. And fortunately, we were not old enough to feel a lot of angst about falling over…we were just exploring and keeping an eye on our goal of walking.

I wonder if that’s why we can all walk. We didn’t give up, we didn’t compare ourselves to anyone and nobody told us we were ‘backward’ walkers or ‘a waste of space’.

“I always say the minute I stop making mistakes is the minute I stop learning and I've definitely learned a lot.” Miley Cyrus

My mother used to say, “If you never make a mess, you never make anything.” I wasn’t very convinced when I trod on my brother’s Lego bricks in my bare feet. I appreciate her words more now. :)

“I feel that people are basically trying to do their best in the world. Even when you see people making mistakes, you understand why they're making a mistake. Everybody has flaws, everybody has demons, everybody has ghosts, but I think you watch people and you see everybody trying to do their best.” Jason Katmis

What…even bankers, thieves and politicians? Well, reluctantly, I have to say, ‘Yes’. They could just be trapped by their own cultures, catch 22 situations, lack of skill and by fear.

That doesn’t mean we should put up with it. Yet it’s possible we need a deeper approach to people’s mistakes, in all walks of life, than criticism, public humiliation and even prison.

1.  Catch people, including yourself, doing things right. It has been proven that this is more effective in getting people to succeed than pointing out what they are doing wrong all the time.

2.  Give balanced feedback to yourself and others

This is sometimes known as a ‘feedback sandwich’. You tell people, or yourself, what you liked about their presentation, project, creative work, way of handling a situation, etc. Then you tell them something that would make it even better. Finally, make an overall positive comment.

When a client of mine used this with her daughter, her daughter said, ‘Oh, that’s like 3 stars and a wish.’ Apparently, in her daughter’s school, the teachers say 3 good things about what the students do and then state one wish about what the student could do better. Great idea!

3. Learn useful things for the future from your mistakes and avoid learnings that limit you.

For example, if a relationship has gone wrong, resolve to learn a new skill to make it better rather than tell yourself, ‘I’ll never trust men/women/my boss/that employee etc. again”.

“Experience is making mistakes and learning from them.” Bill Ackman

4.  Remember: there is no failure, only feedback

If you fail to get a result you’re looking for or someone else does, what’s the feedback it’s giving you? Get curious about what needs to change to get the best result. Is it more skill, a change of mindset or…?

5.  Remember that the only failure is the failure to learn something useful from your mistakes.

“The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one.” Elbert Hubbard

6.  “Do not take yourself too seriously. You have to learn not to be dismayed at making mistakes. No human being can avoid failures.” Lawrence Lovasik

You can't make anything without making mistakes.” James Corden (comedian)

“Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.” Albert Einstein

7.  Remember that you can always learn something new. It’s okay to wear your ‘L’ plate.
“I think it's important for scientists to be a bit less arrogant, a bit more humble, recognising we are capable of making mistakes and being fallacious - which is increasingly serious in a society where our work may have unpredictable consequences.” Robert Winston

“Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment.” Rita Mae Brown

8.  Avoid the danger of hindsight. Hindsight is always 20/20 and it shouldn’t be used as a stick to beat yourself or others with. What I mean is, hindsight can put ourselves in danger of criticising ourselves and others too harshly for making mistakes and wrong choices that we could find out were wrong once we had chosen them and tried them out.

“Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes.” Mahatma Gandhi

9.  Make amends for your mistakes. People will accept your mistakes and your mistakes will be easier to live with, if you put right what you’ve done wrong and you demonstrate that you won’t make the same mistakes again. If someone else has made a mistake, show them how they can put things right and have the slate wiped clean.

“All men make mistakes, but a good man yields when he knows his course is wrong, and repairs the evil. The only crime is pride.” Sophocles

10.  Get training, coaching and mentoring. As one CEO once told me, “Life’s too short to learn from all my mistakes.”

“Smart people learn from their mistakes. But the real sharp ones learn from the mistakes of others.” Brandon Mull

Are you interested in learning more about how you can achieve more personal, career and business success?

If you are, I’d like to offer you a free Coaching Discovery Session Do you feel that there are some work or personal relationships you need to tackle but you’re not sure how? Are you feeling frustrated because you’re not experiencing all the fulfilment, rewards and success that you want?

I have 2 complimentary spaces left for free Coaching Discovery Sessions this month. During that session, we’ll discuss where you are with your personal, career or business life. We’ll uncover hidden barriers to your success. We’ll get clear about how you’d like your life to be. Then I’ll show you how you can bridge that gap. You’ll go away feeling positive, excited and certain about your next steps.

If you would like to apply for a session, just email me: madeleine@growu.co.uk

Dates for Your Diary

1.  November: 

Are you interested in learning more about how you can achieve more personal, career and business success?

If you are, I’d like to offer you a free Coaching Discovery Session Do you feel that there are some work or personal relationships you need to tackle but you’re not sure how? Are you feeling frustrated because you’re not experiencing all the fulfilment, rewards and success that you want?

I have 2 complimentary spaces for free Coaching Discovery Sessions this month. During that session, we’ll discuss where you are with your personal, career or business life. We’ll uncover hidden barriers to your success. We’ll get clear about how you’d like your life to be. Then I’ll show you how you can bridge that gap. You’ll go away feeling positive, excited and certain about your next steps.

If you would like to apply for a session, just email me: madeleine@growu.co.uk

As one CEO once told me, “Life’s too short to learn from all my mistakes”

“Smart people learn from their mistakes. But the real sharp ones learn from the mistakes of others.” Brandon Mull

2.  The Successful Managers’ Toolkit Workshop February 12th 2015

It’s tough being a team leader, manager or supervisor. During this one-day Successful Managers’ Toolkit workshop, you’ll discover how to overcome the challenges and make your role much easier and rewarding to perform. Click on the link or email madeleine@growu.co.uk for more details.

Useful Links

Quotes of the Week

“Success does not consist in never making mistakes but in never making the same one a second time.” George Bernard Shaw

“Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it.” Salvador Dali

“We are all mistaken sometimes; sometimes we do wrong things, things that have bad consequences. But it does not mean we are evil, or that we cannot be trusted ever afterward.” Alison Croggan

“Well, we all make mistakes, dear, so just put it behind you. We should regret our mistakes and learn from them, but never carry them forward into the future with us.”  L M Montgomery, Anne of Avonlea

Madeleine Morgan Life Coach and Confidence Coach CambridgeWarm wishes

Madeleine

P.S. Check out the Dates for Your Diary, Quote of the Week, ‘Useful Links’ to life changing free ‘stuff’ below.

21Nov/140

How to Get People to Like You: Confidence Tip #92

Madeleine Morgan Career Coach, Executive Coach, Leadership Coach and Business Coach, CambridgeWhether you’re a business owner, a manager, an employee or a lover, you will always have more success when people like you.  So this week’s Confidence Tip is all about gaining rapport, respect and trust. Oh, and remember to check out the dates for your diary, at the end of this email, too.

Last Saturday I watched the Imitation Game – the film about how Alan Turing and his team broke the Enigma Code. It was brilliantly acted and a compelling story. What struck me was that it wasn’t until Alan Turing gained rapport with his team that he gained their respect and loyalty. Without that loyalty he would never have been given a chance to succeed with the project before the powers-that-be pulled the plug on it.

Last week I was working with a recruitment agency. We were interviewing candidates and also coaching them to give them the best chance of getting the job of their dreams. What they didn’t realise is that the recruitment agency had 7500 candidates on its books. With so many to choose from, these candidates really needed to know how to get people to like and trust them…fast.

This morning some team members from a tree surgery company came knocking on the doors in my street looking to drum up more business. They immediately asked if they could sell me some tree surgery services rather than developing rapport and asking questions that would help me to see there might be a need or even better giving me some advice so I’d be more willing to give them some business. Needless to say, I’d didn’t buy.

Whether you’re:

  • A candidate looking for a new job
  • A manager just taking over a team
  • An employer looking to recruit really talented people
  • A sales person trying to make a sale
  • A couple meeting on a date or trying to make a marriage work

It’s your like-ability and rapport building skills that are going to win you the opportunity, the sale or the relationship. So how do you do that without being a doormat and overly pleasing people?

1. Listen without interrupting and making the conversation all about you

Listen actively. That means, showing that you’re listening with nods of your head and understanding sounds. Wait until they’ve finished saying what they want to say before you reply or ask questions. Hold back on your solutions for their problems until they are ready to hear them and until you have enough information from them about the situation. Pay attention to them instead of thinking about what you’re going to say next. Show interest in their opinions, experiences and ideas. Share the talking time fairly so that you both get a chance to express yourselves.

2. Smile and show warmth

Smiling and warmth make others around you feel good. Most people are running a hard, stressful race…the rat race. Your warmth will uplift people and draw people to you. Make it a humane race.

3. Respect other people’s ideas and opinions even if you don’t agree with them

Be curious about why they think what they do. You’ll either find out something useful you didn’t realise or you’ll gain information that will give you the ability to put a stronger case for your point of view.

As Stephen Covey said, ‘Seek first to understand and then to be understood.’ Stop competing to be understood.

4. Remember Giver’s Gain

Give someone something rather than expecting others to give to you. They are more likely to want to give to you then, anyway.

There’s a saying that we make a living by what we get but we make a life by what we give.

Enjoy looking for ways to give. The gift could cost you nothing e.g. some positive feedback, an introduction to someone who can help them, some encouragement or a helpful short cut.

5. Be grateful

People who are grateful are far more likable than people who complain.

I was talking to a friend recently who has, what I thought at first, an inexplicable love of reading about the World Wars. Then he told me that by reading about those hardships he is able to put his own difficulties and setbacks into perspective.

What could you feel grateful for? Your health, your relationships, the health service, your skills, your income, that it’s sunny, that it’s raining on your plants….

6. Take responsibility for your part in creating situations

Be ready to own up to your part in creating a difficult relationship or a failed project.

Your colleagues, friends, family, clients and suppliers will resent you if you spend your time defending yourself and putting blame on others.

Then you can quickly turn your energies to learning what you need to do or think to change the relationship or achieve more success.

When you own up to your part, it makes it easier for others to acknowledge their part too.

7. Do what you say you’re going to do

There’s a saying that people with good intentions make promises; people with great character keep them. When you keep your promises, you build trust and respect in your relationships and people feel secure with you.

8. Forgive

Four of the most unattractive qualities in a person are anger, resentment, lack of gratitude and bitterness.

Holding onto resentment is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die.

Forgive others so that you can be free of resentment and the corrosive effect it has on your personality and relationships and your chances of having good things happen in the future.

You can forgive and still hold people to account and still show them ways to make amends.

When it’s time for you to say sorry, show that you mean it by never making the mistake again.

9. Look after yourself

Eat well, get enough sleep and exercise, build healthy self-esteem and confidence. Then you’ll have more energy, vitality and positivity to give to others.

10. Be positive

Negative people drag down everyone around them. Very few people have the skill and emotional strength to maintain a positive mood when those around them are negative. Learn how to be positive even in a negative environment.

Look for opportunities and solutions instead of barriers and problems. Whatever the situation, focus on what can be done.

So there you have it…10 of the many ways you can be likable.

What about you? What qualities do you like in others, and why?

Are you interested in learning more about how you can achieve more personal, career and business success?

If you are, I’d like to offer you a free Coaching Discovery Session Do you feel that there are some work or personal relationships you need to tackle but you’re not sure how? Are you feeling frustrated because you’re not experiencing all the fulfilment, rewards and success that you want?

I have complimentary spaces for free Coaching Discovery Sessions this month. During that session, we’ll discuss where you are with your personal, career or business life. We’ll uncover hidden barriers to your success. We’ll get clear about how you’d like your life to be. Then I’ll show you how you can bridge that gap. You’ll go away feeling positive, excited and certain about your next steps.

If you would like to apply for a session, just email me: madeleine@growu.co.uk

Dates Of  Diary
Are you interested in learning more about how you can achieve more personal, career and business success?
1.  November:

If you are, I’d like to offer you a free Coaching Discovery Session Do you feel that there are some work or personal relationships you need to tackle but you’re not sure how? Are you feeling frustrated because you’re not experiencing all the fulfilment, rewards and success that you want?

I have complimentary spaces for free Coaching Discovery Sessions this month. During that session, we’ll discuss where you are with your personal, career or business life. We’ll uncover hidden barriers to your success. We’ll get clear about how you’d like your life to be. Then I’ll show you how you can bridge that gap. You’ll go away feeling positive, excited and certain about your next steps.

If you would like to apply for a session, just email me: madeleine@growu.co.uk

2.  Business Network International Cambridge Visitors’ Day November 25th, 2014

Are you a business owner? Could you handle more business? If your answer is yes, join us on Tuesday 25th November. There will be over a 100 business owners there looking for someone in your profession to pass referrals to.

Email madeleine@growu.co.uk for more details or phone 01223 426392

www.BNISuffolkandCambridge.co.uk

3.   The Successful Managers’ Toolkit Workshop February 12th 2015

It’s tough being a team leader, manager or supervisor. During this one-day Successful Managers’ Toolkit workshop, you’ll discover how to overcome the challenges and make your role much easier and rewarding to perform. Click on the link or email madeleine@growu.co.uk for more details.

Useful Links

Quote of the Week

“This is good, life must continue, (even if) we are fighting barbarians, but we must remain human.” David Benioff, City of Thieves “Those we can’t imagine doing anything often do things we can’t imagine.” The Imitation Game


Madeleine Morgan Executive Coach and Leadership Mentor, Cambridge UK
 

Warm wishes

Madeleine

P.S. Check out the Dates for Your Diary, Quote of the Week, ‘Useful Links’ to life changing free ‘stuff’ below.

13Nov/140

How to Create Instant Confidence: Confidence Tip #91

Coaching and Training for ManagersHere’s your powerful Confidence Tip for this week. Remember to check out the dates for your diary, at the end of this email, too. :)

Do you ever feel frustrated when your confidence fails you at the most crucial moments? Do you wish that you could turn on the confidence tap exactly when you needed it?

If your answer is yes, I’ve got a quick tip for you.

Have you ever seen the New Zealand All Blacks’ rugby team perform their Haka? It’s a powerful ritual they go through before each match. So powerful that other team have complained that they feel intimidated.

What can you learn from these rugby players? 

Well, they do not sheepishly walk onto the rugby pitch and say in uncertain voices, ‘Okay, chaps, hope we win.’

No, they use their body language and voices to put themselves in a powerful emotional and mental state. Then they play the match powerfully and they get powerful results.

It seems to me that instead of other teams wanting the New Zealand All Blacks to quieten down their pre-match ritual, those teams should develop their own Haka.

But…you might be thinking…I can’t do that Haka at work or when I’m going out on a date. I’ll look ridiculous!

Okay, I agree, it may not be suitable. But…what about developing your own Haka that fits the situations you’re in?

The other day, I was coaching a group of triathletes on the subject of winning psychology. I got them to do this exercise, which you can try yourself.

I asked them to sit in their chairs like a sack of potatoes, with their heads down and their mouth turned down. I asked them to try and feel motivated, strong and confident while keeping that body language. They found it really hard.

Then I got them to stand up, smile, do a power salute and say ‘Yes!’ in a loud voice…and at the same time try to feel nervous, demotivated and weak. They couldn’t do it!

Even if they did the power salute and the smile and said, ‘I’m nervous!’ in a powerful voice, they couldn’t feel nervous.

Interestingly, whenever I do this exercise in group or 1-2-1 coaching some people feel embarrassed about doing the powerful stuff, at first. Isn’t it weird that we find it embarrassing to do uplifting actions but we’re less embarrassed when we do some negative stuff like look angry, hurt, frustrated, depressed and even nervous?

Well, I’m not going to suggest that you do the power salute in public, but, how about saying ‘Yes!’ in a powerful way inside your head and moving more confidently before you go into a difficult situation?

Imagine how much better your presentation, your sales meeting, your date, your difficult conversation might go if you shut off the doubt thoughts and said ‘Yes’ to the experiences and gave it your best shot.

Willing to give it a try?

What other things do you try to get into a powerful and confident mood?

Madeleine Morgan Executive Coach and Leadership Mentor, Cambridge UKWarm wishes

Madeleine

P.S. Check out the Dates for Your Diary, Quote of the Week, ‘Useful Links’ to life changing free ‘stuff’ below.

Dates for Your Diary

  1. Cool Solutions to Hot HR Topics Seminar Series November 20th, 2014

Are you an HR professional or a manager or business owner with HR responsibilities? Dealing with HR can be a minefield. However, help is at hand. Hoopla HR and GrowU Coaching and Training are collaborating to make dealing with people issues easier.

Click on this link or phone Madeleine at 01223 426392 for more details.

  1. Business Network International Cambridge Visitors’ Day November 25th, 2014

Are you a business owner? Could you handle more business? If your answer is yes, join us on Tuesday 25th November. There will be over a 100 business owners there looking for someone in your profession to pass referrals to.

Email madeleine@growu.co.uk for more details or phone 01223 426392

www.BNISuffolkandCambridge.co.uk

  1. The Successful Managers’ Toolkit Workshop February 12th 2015

It’s tough being a team leader, manager or supervisor. During this one-day Successful Managers’ Toolkit workshop, you’ll discover how to overcome the challenges and make your role much easier and rewarding to perform. Click on the link or email madeleine@growu.co.uk for more details.

Useful Links

Quote of the Week

“Always walk upright and confidently, like you’re balancing and invisible crown on your head.”

6Nov/140

How Do You Escape From a Betari’s Box? Confidence Tip #90

Here’s your Confidence Tip for this week

Madeleine Morgan Confidence Coach, Career Coach  and Life Coach CambridgeThis might sound like something from Dr Who but stick with me.

Does this situation sound familiar?

You experience something you interpret as negative. Your negative feelings affect someone else and they react negatively towards you so you react negatively towards them...and so it goes on.

Let’s say you’ve rung a friend, partner or family member and had to leave a message to call you back. It was a lovely message but they don’t contact you within the time-frame you expected. So you start to resent them. You think of all the things you’ve done for them and how much effort you put into the relationship. Then you dwell on all the times they’ve let you down. The next time you see them, or they eventually call you back, you behave coldly towards them. Because you are cold towards them, they react coldly to you and the relationship reaches sub-zero and carries on becoming more and more Arctic-like.

Or do you recognise something like this work situation?  

Your boss criticises you for missing a deadline. You feel angry because you’ve done your best with what you think is an unreasonable workload. You don’t feel you can criticise your boss. A colleague or team member happens to ask you a question and as you’re in a foul mood you snap at them. They feel angry. They don’t understand why you’re angry with them. They were only asking you a question. So they bark back at you or sulk.  So you yell or become distant with them…and so it goes on…

In both these situations, everyone is trapped in a Betari’s Box or Cycle of Conflict that’s a closed loop, where each person is reacting to the negative behaviour and attitude of the other person in a negative way. Things can only get worse.

The Cycle of Conflict looks something like this:

Madeleine Morgan Confidence Coach, Career Coach  and Life Coach Cambridge

So…when you’re in a negative conflict cycle, how can you escape? Here are 7 ideas:

1.   Resolve to get yourself out of the Cycle of Conflict rather than wait for circumstances or other people to change..take the initiative

2.  Spend some time reflecting on what triggered your negative feelings.

3.  Think about ways you could have avoided your negative reaction. For instance, in the examples above:

a. Were your expectations of someone returning your message, in your time frame, realistic?
b. Could there be a reasonable explanation for why they   didn’t...if you’d taken time to find out?
c. If you’d managed your time better or delegated some work would you have avoided missing the deadline and the rebuke?

4.  Apologise to the people who have been affected by your negative attitudes and behaviours and reasure them that you plan to manage your emotions better in future. Agree to ‘press the reset button’ on your relationship and go forward in a positive way.

5.  When you feel triggered into a negative reaction, take time out to get positive again before you interact with others – relaxation techniques and looking for a different perspective can help, for instance.

6.  Remember that although no one can make us feel anything and we can’t make them feel anything, very few people understand how to maintain a positive reaction when others are being negative… so lead the positive way!

7.  The Betari’s Box effect can work positively too. When we're feeling motivated and positive, we smile, we praise our team, and we’re supportive and understanding with our family and friends. They feel good and behave positively towards us. Lead your family, friends, colleagues and clients the positive way.

Madeleine Morgan Confidence Coach, Career Coach  and Life Coach CambridgeWarm wishes

Madeleine

P.S. Check out the Dates for Your Diary, Quote of the Week, ‘Useful Links’ to life changing free ‘stuff’ below.

Dates for Your Diary

  1. Cool Solutions to Hot HR Topics Seminar Series November 20th, 2014

Are you an HR professional or a manager or business owner with HR responsibilities?

Dealing with HR can be a minefield. However, help is at hand. Hoopla HR and GrowU Coaching and Training are collaborating to make dealing with people issues easier.

Click on this link or phone Madeleine at 01223 426392 for more details.

  1. Business Network International Cambridge Visitors’ Day November 25th, 2014

Are you a business owner? Could you handle more business? If your answer is yes, join us on Tuesday 25th November. There will be over a 100 business owners there looking for someone in your profession to pass referrals to.

Email madeleine@growu.co.uk for more details or phone 01223 426392

www.BNISuffolkandCambridge.co.uk

  1. The Successful Managers’ Toolkit Workshop February 12th 2015

It’s tough being a team leader, manager or supervisor. During this one-day Successful Managers’ Toolkit workshop, you’ll discover how to overcome the challenges and make your role much easier and rewarding to perform. Click on the link or email madeleine@growu.co.uk for more details.

Useful Links

 

Quote of the Week

“An eye for an eye will only make the whole world blind.”  Mahatma Gandhi
   
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