Building Self Confidence Blog
29Apr/11Off

Relationship Confidence – 7 Secrets to a Confident Romance

Confidence in Relationships – 7 Secrets to Confident Romance

The royal wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton has got me thinking about what makes a confident and fulfiling relationship.

Whether you’re totally indifferent to the royal wedding or a raving fan, it seems obvious that Kate and William are, in many ways, living the romantic dream. They’re wealthy, good looking, confident in each other’s love and make a great team.

It may be tempting to think that their kind of relationship is only for the privileged few. And it’s true that few people will have royal weddings but it’s also true that living the dream romance is more possible than most people think or experience in real life.

My own experiences of relationship pain, disaster and happiness gave me a passion to share with others what I’ve learned through experience and training about how how to create fun, passionate and happy relationships even when the relationship involves people with totally different personalities.

I’ve found out that many people are experiencing more pain than they need to just because there are some secrets, tools and strategies to creating a happy relationship they need to know – and are rarely taught.

Here are some of those secrets.

7 secrets to a confident and passionate relationship:

1.    Confidence in Relationship Secret One - Choose someone who shares many of your hopes, values and dreams about life and relationship – it’s hard work in a relationship if you and your partner have very different ideas about what you want out of life. You’ll get caught up in resisting each other’s attempt to try and change each other. Know what you want and find out what they want, early on.

Nowadays people have more opportunity to find out if they are compatible before they get married than ever before. Yet 50% of first marriages and 75% of second marriages end in divorce. How can that be?

My experience of coaching over 900 clients is that they either ignore the instinct they have that this person is, at best, only 80% right for them. Or, a lack of skills and knowledge, some of which are mentioned in the tips below, kills off the chemistry.

2.    Confidence in Relationship Secret Two - Be quick to praise the things you love and appreciate about them.

We’re brought up to think that people only improve and change if we criticise and point out when they make mistakes.

Yet, think about when you were a baby just taking your first wobbly steps.

Imagine if we’d been surrounded by people who had told us we were doing it all wrong, that we were underachieving and would probably never walk based on the evidence of our first struggles. I wonder how many people would still be crawling into middle age! Or be going into therapy because of a walking phobia.

I bet for most of you, the people around you praised everything about what you tried to do to walk – even when you lost your balance and sat down with a bump on your backside – for the 100th time. Maybe that’s why the majority of the people on the planet can walk!

Choose someone who is generous with their appreciation of you too. Be each other’s fan club!

3.    Confidence in Relationship Secret Three – Talk about the things that bother you about your partner and the relationship.

You might think this tip is contradictory after what I said in tip 2.

Yes, if your partner has done or said something you don’t like, talk about it!

Avoid suffering in silent resentment because it kills off love and passion in a relationship. Avoid being intimidating, critical and interrogating while at the same time avoid being a victim, placating or distant. There are secrets to having those difficult conversations - the next 2 tips will help.

4. Confidence in Relationship Secret Four - When your partner wants different things from you, or has a different opinion, be willing to talk calmly about your differences. We are usually brought up to debate and that can be fun. But if you hold your ground too fiercely or reluctantly give in, you miss opportunities to understand each other better.

There’s a middle way. Sometimes it’s more loving, and exciting, to find out more about why they think the way they do before you bring your contradictory ideas. Avoid dismissing their ideas and wants too quickly – then they’ll be more willing to listen to you too. Have a win-win conversation.

5.    Confidence in Relationship Secret Five - When difficulties come up think about your part in creating the situation.

For instance, if your partner is treating you badly, is there some way in which you’ve ‘trained’ them to do that either by ignoring their needs and wants or by trying to please them too much?

If you’re not attracting the right people into your life, what do you need to learn and change that will help you attract the romantic partner of your dreams?

The great thing about doing this is that your part is the only bit you’re in control of, the bit you can change and have power over. When you realise what you can do to change a situation, that’s very empowering.

We’re emotionally wired to go into flght/flight reactions in the face of relationships difficulties so I know this tip, while simple, is difficult to follow. My clients find that when you talk with an experienced relationship coach who can help you get the perspective, awareness and skills you need, in a supportive and objective way, it helps to speed up the journey to relationship success.

The next tip will also help.

6.    Confidence in Relationship Secret SixHeal the past. Most of us have had difficult relationship experiences - parents who have shown us very conditional love or ‘unloving’ behaviour, painful divorces and relationship breakups.  We carry hurts from past relationships, sometimes without even realising it. This is baggage from past relationships can be too great a burden for your future ones.

Many clients I work with on their relationships have been through difficult childhood experiences, divorces and relationship break ups. They find they are slow to have confidence and trust in new relationships, even when they meet a really great partner, and find themselves sabotaging the relationship, without meaning, to in all kinds of unconscious and frustrating ways – big and small.

Once they’ve come to the point where they don’t want to be a hostage to the past, I’ve helped them clear the past, their confidence in relationship has increased and it’s easier to have the fun, passionate and loving relationship you really want.

7. Confidence in Relationship Secret Seven – Make Sure You Have Healthy Self-Esteem and Confidence.

My clients discover that when their confidence increases they attract other people with healthy self-esteem and confidence – like attracts like. Confident people make better relationship choices. Confident people are less likely to feel jealous and insecure in relationships. They don’t need to be right all the time and they don’t put up with poor treatment. They hold themselves and their partner to a higher standard.

All this may not sound very sexy but actually, long-term, physical passion and chemistry last longer when you follow these 7 secrets to confident relationships.  🙂

I wish you all the love, fun and passion in your relationships that you can handle.

Warm wishes

Madeleine

PS: I like to reward people who take action to create more happiness in their lives. So, I’m offering you a free Discovery Session where we can explore where you are now in your life and relationships, where you’d like to be and how you can get there.

Contact Madeleine or phone 01223 964516 to book your session.

"Madeleine is an exceptional coach. Over the years I've received coaching from some of the biggest names in NLP, business and personal development. In my estimation she's up there with the big boys.

Very quickly she expanded my thinking way beyond the limits I had set for myself and not only gave me practical step-by-step advice that moved me forward in my career, my business, my personal relationships and my personal development. She also revealed to me the things I was doing in my head that were preventing me from enjoying the success I'd already achieved.

In a very short time, and as a direct result of Madeleine's coaching:

- My confidence soared

- I secured an interview for the job of my dreams

- I got really clear on a part-time business I wanted to build

On top of all this, the process, wisdom and expertise she brought to the coaching allowed me to make changes in myself that deepened my relationship with my girlfriend, improved my interpersonal skills with colleagues at work and most important of all, given me an ongoing realisation that this whole journey is exciting and enjoyable. Ben Green,  Manager

Madeleine Morgan The Confidence Coach

The Confidence Coach

The Coaching Room, 44 Chesterfield Road, Cambridge, CB4 1LN

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